The Unexpected Guest

It’s 6.30 am… “Assalum Alaikum”, peace be with you, I greet as I pass the bedroom door. Our eyes lock momentarily, and i see sadness… I hurriedly shuffle along. Whether it was because I had a sense that something i was not prepared for was happening, or I was afraid you were going to see the worry in my eyes…that was the last time I got a glimpse into the window of your soul. Three days later and the curtains were drawn on that window… Forever!

My confidant, my doctor, my babysitter, my nurse, my chef, my caregiver, my therapist, my advisor, my friend… My mother! Life has not been the same since the Almighty called you home. Thoughts and memories still flood my mind, ebbing and flowing like the tides. Some bring about an overwhelming sadness while others, a joyous smile followed by infectious laughter. It’s been a long and treacherous road without you… you were the glue that held so many pieces together.

With your death came acceptance and understanding. Accepting that it was the Qadr of Allah and understanding that we live to die. Death is inevitable.

Death leaves in its wake a trail of broken hearts, grief-stricken loved ones, shattered dreams, and a relentless hope that the road ahead will be filled with light. Some of us see the light, and others feel trapped with no escape. May Allah Subhana Wa’Tala make it easy for all of us. Ameen.

Your untimely exit from this Dunya opened the door to reflection and introspection for me. Who am I? Why am I here? How am I going to navigate through life without you in it? Those words constantly echoed in my mind. I did not have the answers, but it’s as if I could hear your voice…”Maak jou voete nat en vra an vir Allah om jou te help” (Go take wudhu, make salah and ask Allah to help you) lol you always had a knack for saying it how it is. However…that was an area which I gravely neglected, making salah.

Needless to say, I consciously took that step. Bowing in prostration, crying out to my Lord. Ya Rabb! Grant me the strength to deal with my grief and sadness. The courage to face the world and to be brave for my family even while my heart is broken. Oh Allah, you are Al-Jabbar, the mender of hearts, so restore my heart and purify it.

In time to come, this is where I found my solace. Salah.

Almost two years later, looking back, it is evident that Allah SWT took you from me and, in doing that, brought me closer to Him. Subhanallah. Seeking guidance through patience and prayer has become a way of life for me. Too often, we become so fixated on what we perceive as chaos and our world ‘falling apart’ that we forget Allah is with those who are patient.We have no control over anything And Allah’s timing is always perfect. So a little bit of sabr goes a long way…

Walking this journey of self-improvement and development is not an easy task and definitely not bereft of hardship. But Alhamdulilah, through the mercy of Allah, I remain steadfast in the belief that with difficulty comes ease (94:6). Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear (2:286).

As I embark on my quest to seek knowledge that will be beneficial for me in this life and the next, i ask the Almighty to always guide and protect me on this path. We come into this world with a backpack of tools, namely Salah, Quran, Thikrullah, Duahs, etc. These tools are a source of guidance  for me. When life gets too much, this is what i use to silence the chaos. Herein, I found  the secrets to contentment of the heart…

I am merely a traveler passing through this Dunya, with my backpack, to an Akhirah that has been promised.

Alhamdulilah

My Journey with Hijab

Hijab? What does it mean? The Oxford dictionary definition of hijab is a head covering worn in public by some Muslim women.

My first memory of wearing a headscarf was when I was about 5 years old. Now let me tell you about headscarves all those years ago…it was basic square plain scarves used for the purpose of its design…to cover ones hair. Growing up in our muslim home, this was the norm for me. Whether it was used as a tool by mother to cover up my unruly, untamed hair or whether it was because the Almighty had ordained it, to me, that was irrelevant. I wore it.

All those years ago, there was a day still etched in my memory as though it was yesterday. I visited some family with my dad, and one of the aunties pulled me aside and said in a mocking tone “waar gan jy met dai groot doek” (where are you going with that scarf) at that age I didnt quite process those words, I only know how it made me feel. Mortified!

Another incident I recall was at a braai held by the Madrassah my sisters and I attended. Needless to say, we were dressed modestly donning our headscarves. The madrassah teacher told my sister “Whats the use you wear a scarf now and outside you don’t?” This was done in front of the whole group of girls and boys. Everyone erupted in laughter. It brought back the same feeling from when i was 5. Mortification! My sister was mocked about it for days to come. And I was left feeling angry and bitter towards the Madrassah teacher.

The years to follow had me battling with having to wear a scarf consistently. Despite the constant reprimanding by my parents to do so, it was often left loosely draped around my neck or shoved in my handbag as soon as i left the house. In my life, wearing a scarf full time was strictly reserved for the holy month of Ramadan.

Influenced by Western culture, society, and my own rebellious behavior, my spirituality became questionable. Questioning my beliefs, my morals, and values. Everything was chaos. At least, that was my perception. Amidst all of the self-destructive behavior I derailed from the path of righteousness. In the years that followed, I would find my way back and then dwindle again.

Last year, my mother died. It was unexpected. I say unexpectedly because never in my wildest dreams did i think the day would come that I would lose her. In a heartbeat, so much changed. With all of the preparations for a Muslim burial, I had to wear my headscarf. In the days that followed, I still continued to wear it as a sign of respect. However, as the days progressed into weeks, there was no inclination to remove it. Whether this was an act of God or free will, I do not know. All that I can say is that it definitely kick-started something.

So I went from hair, always being on fleek to it now being tucked in under cloth. Needless to say, it did cause some tongue wagging at the office. Comments were plenty. Some derogatory and others filled with admiration. I chose not to let the negative comments discourage me. Rather, i focused on the positive feedback. In the words of Yasmin Mogahed, “what we focus on grows” is exactly what happened. Wearing a headscarf gained a different level of respect. The manner in which people spoke around me changed. Vulgarity in speech followed with an apology. Working in a male dominant environment, this change was welcoming.

“And Allah guides whom he wills” (Al Baqara verse 272), a verse that i can attest to. Thirty-seven years later, I wear my headscarf every day. It was not an instant change. I didn’t just wake up one morning and Poof! A miracle. No. Life happened. There were days filled with darkness and despair. Perceived happiness camouflaged the emptiness. Looking back, i am now able to see the Almighty’s hand at play. Everything I have endured was Him trying to get me closer. Weaving a tapestry of events to achieve a beautiful outcome. Whether my experiences all those years ago led to discouragement from wearing a scarf, only the Almighty knows.

Today, my hijab is more than just a head covering. It is a connection between myself and my creator. A reminder of introspection. It is a single step that brought me closer to my birthright. Being a Muslim.

While the rest of my journey is still a work in progress, I will continue to seek guidance through patience and prayer.

Alhamdulilah.

BCF – I LOVE YOU!

On this blessed 3rd of July, a day that comes around once a year but never left forgotten special messages are aflow and in abundance. This is only a mere reflection of the hearts of many that you occupy.

Growing up you’ve played a profound role in my life. From laying awake at night waiting for you to return from work and listening to the stories of the day. The movies & choccies that would magically appear from your “Barney” bag. It was always fun having you around. Roadtrips & silly pics…braai’s with my teenage sisters & their friends that i got to tag along with because of you. Silk shirts & white levi’s…what can i say…your style was my inspiration lol

Poise, Charm & Charisma envelops you like a cloud on a majestic mountain peak. Beauty in its finest most natural splendour…That is you!

You are a beacon of Ray & Hope to many even though u might not know it. Phenomenal Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother, Aunt is only but a fragment of the roles u play in the lives of loved ones.

Even in the darkest moments when the world feels like it is crushing in on you, you become the light. You have been blessed with such gracious ways and beautiful characteristics. It often goes by unnoticed & unappreciated but you never allow it deter you from your path. And for this i applaud you.

Our journey together started many years ago, not by chance nor by luck but it was destined. The Almighty knew exactly why He chose our souls to represent our beings and to have our lives entwine the way it has.

No matter how many challenges or obstacles life puts in your way…remember this…Always be the Authentic You!

 

Nothing Fairy Dust can’t fix

BE HAPPY!!!

 

 

You are now and forever will be my BCF! #blasdymoments4life
#Love&Respect

 

Rise of the Phoenix

We started off as strangers and swiftly developed a friendship. With each passing day our bond strengthened.
Joy, tears, laughter, stories and many a secret shared.

Advice was given. Encouragement was there. Motivation was the order of any given day. In my deepest darkest hour you were the beacon of hope and light. So different yet the same. That was us.Your strength and tenacity is an admiration. So humble yet powerful!
Vivacious, caring, loving, nurturing thats what u are and so much more.

 

Always remember, no matter what obstacles life puts in your way, to me you will always be a Phoenix…rising beautifully from the ashes each time!

I will always love u My Phoenix!